Self rant.

Did you really not notice the mask I was wearing? Did you really fall for the smile? Did you really think my life was "oh-so-happy" and "lucky" as you thought it was? Did you just assume I'm never hurt? Dont ever assume. Because you'll make an ASS out of U and ME.

This is just a (long) self rant. I just had to get it out. Not really a blog about a day so it probably wont interest you. Just wait for the next blog.

I guess when you're born spoiled, you wont find happiness. You're too used to everything that has happened and when theres a "change of plans," that doesn't go the way you had planned it... it just ruins it. I might be a baby for crying over this, but like everything else that hsa never been right, I'll get over it.

Every year we (the family; aunts, uncles, cousin, parents, grandparents, etc.) we would either celebrate birthdays at restaurants or home. But since we have a big family, that mean we'll have to spend a lot. I guess it's like a "tradition" to celebrate with the family for me. Each year there would be more people in the family whether its a cousin in law or a new nephew/niece. So last year my parents decided we should do the birthday at a buffet since there will be too many cars taking up the parking lot i nfront of the house. My uncle was also celebrating his birthday the same day as I did (even though it wasnt his birthday; asians tend to celebrate it earlier if theres a change of plans). So this year I was thinking we could go out again since I just have another cousin-in-law and a niece and wont put my parents throug hthe trouble of picking up/making food.

But my mom comes and ask if we should just stay home and do it with parents and brother. I was thinking and she said, "Everyone else stopped celebrating it with the family and plus, it'll be $800 dollars at the buffet." Inside, I really didnt want to. But I tried to think of a way that we can invite the family out to eat without having to spend so much. Then she brought up, "Your cousins stopped doing it. Look at your aunt, she saves money; when one of the relative celebrate, she just brings her daughter and celebrate with them. She saves way over $800." I dont know why, but tears just started to form in my eyes. She just kept bringing that up. I wasnt facing her because she was talking from upstairs and I was downstairs watching TV. "It's up to you, really. Do you want to just buy a cake and eat with us or do you want to go to the buffet and spend $800+ dollars?" So obvious, parents using that "DO YOU WANT THIS OR THIS WHERE YOU______," talk. I couldnt answer her because tears already rolled down my cheeks and if I said something, she would know I was crying. So when there was a commercial for the show I was watching, I just came into my room.

Maybe when you have everythng you've wanted when you're a kid, nothing is "perfect" when you grow up. "You should be lucky, you have things other people don't have," someone said to me. And I quote Zeus, "Every gift brings a penalty." Which is true. My gift was happiness, best friends, laughter, good grades, family proud of me, but all that has turned around. 2008 and 2009 decided it was time to take it away and give it to someone else. I don't mind if someone whose waited for that gift finally recieved it, but why did I have to lose it all at once? Happiness was replaced with misery, best friends replaced with school work, laughter replaced with tears and anger, good grades replaced with "average" grades, family being proud of me replaced with family waiting for me to make something good happen.

It feels like the old me was able to be around people and talk to them. But now, I dont know what I did, but it seems like everyone turns away and I'm being pulled into a small bubble, suffocating. Anything I say and anything I do is not noticeable. I scream and call out for them but their backs are turned. They're standing around laughing and talking, enjoying their gift of happiness, friends, laughter, and everything else. They assume I'm probably somewhere else with other people having a good time as well. But why dont they turn around? Why dont they turn around and see the bubble I'm trapped in?

I'm not a strong as you think I am. Are you so easily fooled by this smile? Are you taking my "jokes" and "random comments" so seriously, thinking I would never hurt? Do I do a good job of hiding my heart?

They come to me and rant, asking for help. When I give them my opinion and thoughts, they tell me (you know who you are, since i'm quoting you guys), "Ohmygod! That's so true! Thats exactly how I feel." or "I can finally have someone to talk to about this. Everyone else dont get it." Well you know why I get it? Because I've faced this numerous of time. I've fallen hard, gotten back up, and fallen again. I've tried walking through that fire and yes, I did get burned. But if I give up now, I don't know what's going to be in store for me in the future. I'm here to help everyone else, but I can't seem to help myself.

I've had friends who were my "best friends." She didnt really know anyone else and neither did I. We became friends and another "lonely" girl became our friend. Another one came and we were all best friends. But some how, we split. Not because we got into an argument, but just because it faded away. When did this happen? When one of us became best friends with someone else? When we started becoming very different? Who knows. We hardly talk anymore and some people might find it hard to picture us as "best friends."

I think I am invisible or people just dont like me. I'm sorry if I annoy anyone, get on your nerves, or just drive you crazy. I dont know what it is and itd be nice if you told me. I wont take it to heart, so dont worry. It's not only to friends, but also "new" people I meet. Its like I'm back into the suffocating bubble again. Here's a time I recall when I felt exactly like that. I was at the mall with a friend. We were in the arcade and there were two guys who were watching us finishing our game of DDR. We talked--well, they talked. They asked how long we've been playing and what school (turns out they knew our friends). They asked my friend questions and made jokes. She replied and also made a joke and they laughed. I was feeling so left out when they asked something like, "What school do yo uguys go to?" I decided to make a joke and say, "Psh, stalking us now?"-- I was hoping they'd be like "haha, no, just wondering." But their expression was, "O_o" The next time we saw one of them at the mall, I said hi and the guy just went "oh hi." And when he saw my friend, they were like, "Hey, whats up?!" they started talking and decided to go to the food court. I just stood there, "..."

Someone told me I should just speak up. Repeat it in case no one hears. But sometimes its on purpose. There has been a situation when I would be talking to someone face to face that they would suddenly turn away from me and start a convo with another person. It's like "wth... did your ears suddenly block out my voice?" I would be in class and I would say to a friend, "Hey guess what?" And she/he would be like, "*looks up* what?" And when I start talking, the perso nsitting right next to him/her would start another convo and he/she would turn their head and listen to them. They're right in front of me! Did their ears really block out my voice?

*sigh* self rant end. If anyone actually read all of this, I'd be surprised.



HAPPY BiRTHDAY MAGGiE QUAN.